Well, then I shall convert them, I am the Jehovah's coffee girl.

when i lived in washington, i drank more coffee than i seem to these days... it could have been that there was a huge abundance of starbucks locations nearby to both my home and to work... i know it seems like nashville has a ton of starbucks locations around... but here's the truth...

from my job in washington: within a 2-mile radius there were 7 starbucks stores... within a 5-mile radius, there were 22...

from my job in franklin: within a 2-mile radius there are no starbucks stores, and within a 5-mile radius, there are 7...

from my apartment in nashville: 2-mile radius - 0, 5-mile radius - 8

from my apartment in washington: 2-mile radius - 2, 5-mile radius - 8

those are just a few facts... not to mention, i passed multiple locations on my 10-15 minute commute to work in wa, and i don't pass a single location on my 20-25 minute commute to work here...

so i drank more coffee... it's not that i like it any less here, but it's not as much of a habit... i can count the number of times i've had starbucks this month on one hand... i don't know if it's just because i don't drive by locations very much at all... but it would be out of the way for me to go now... and i only go on occasion these days...

but none of this is really the point of the story... one of the reasons that i think i went to starbucks so much in vancouver was because of starbucks jason... he was my coffee guy... when i first met him, he worked at the store right down the street from my office... he was so nice and friendly... and he knew what i wanted when i went in... and he did an excellent job of making my coffee... so we got to be friends, sort-of... then he switched stores, and as it was sort-of on my way to and from work, i switched stores... i liked the feeling of knowing i could walk in and get exactly what i wanted, and see a friendly face... and most of the time if they weren't busy, he'd even come around and give me a hug... if you know anything about northwest culture, you know that doesn't happen...

and the thing about starbucks jason is that he was like that with a ton of people... one day my boss and i were chatting and i said something about "the guy that works at starbucks" and how great he was that i felt like he knew me and he always knew what i wanted... i think it was a discussion with relation to the church... and he said, "jason?" - he was friends with jason, too... and i think the best part about it was that it felt good to be known... it seemed like (and i think it's true that) jason really cared about people... that he really did care about my boss and about me... and he really loved knowing people and making them feel at ease...

at this point, i could switch and start talking about the body of christ and how encouraging and freeing it is to be around people who are not only familiar with who i am, but who really know me... a group of people who know what makes my heart beat a little faster and who would be like the believers in acts who had "all things in common" - not because they are all alike but because they share a similar passion and vision...

but this is not a discussion about the church this time...

it became apparent that starbucks jason was great at what he does... makes people feel at ease, is friendly and is obviously good enough to score repeat customers... customers who think he is great and remember his name... to this day, i still don't know starbucks jason's last name... i don't know where he grew up or what his favorite book is... i used to know a few things through random discussion... but i can't really remember... i remember what he looks like and that when he would see me, he would smile really big... maybe because it was encouraging to him to see somebody familiar... someone that he knew would be excited to see him, too...

and i missed him this week... he was brought to my mind and i missed the feeling of a familiar stranger... especially one who makes great coffee... on friday i was still housesitting and i could easily go just a bit out of the way for starbucks and even get to go through a drive-thru, which is especially helpful in starbucks runs... so i went through and had "a moment" with the guy who worked there... it was really fun... we both kind of laughed and bid each other "good days" and i thought, for a moment, "could he be my new starbucks jason?" too bad that location is not extremely convenient for my morning routine...

i think i really just want to be known... i am fully aware that starbucks jason doesn't know me... but he knew me well enough to know when he hadn't seen me in a while or that the coffee he made me was my favorite and that he added joy to my day... and that was really enough... and i hope that i can be starbucks jason to someone... and that maybe, in return, i'll find another starbucks jason soon...

words in my head...

there were a couple of different occasions this week where i heard friends say things like:

“i love the way he/she writes.”

“i wish i could write like that.”

“i don’t know how they wrote exactly what i was thinking.”

i have definitely uttered versions of these phrases if not the exact ones… i used to write a lot. now, it’s an occasional practice that seems overwhelming. i constantly have things swirling in my head. words i wish i would have said, words i wish i could take back, or words and phrases i just can’t seem to fit together to make any sense to anyone but me.

here are a few words and phrases in my head at the moment... don't worry if they don't make sense... i don't even really care if you read them... it's just a starting place for me... i'm determined to start writing again... to make sense of the jumbled up mess going on in my head... so this is just the beginning of my therapy...

"helper seeking helper"

"buddy"

"i miss my friend"

"busboys"

"home"

"circle of heads"

"lonely"

"graphic design"

"human resources"

"furniture"

"hilarious"

"cheerleader"

"closeness"

"tired"

"40 gallons of sap"

"starbucks jason"

that's all i've got for today... at some point, soon, these words might make sense... but for right now, i'm done. i'm tapping out.

boy, this is a mother dictionary...

sometimes i suck at words... i say words wrong or misuse them... so, i've decided to make a list of words i like... then i will look them up on dictionary.com and provide a definition... this will probably only be fun for me...

misstep: an error or slip in conduct; faux pas.

synergy: The interaction of two or more agents or forces so that their combined effect is greater than the sum of their individual effects.

ineffable: 1. incapable of being expressed or described in words; inexpressible
2. not to be spoken because of its sacredness; unutterable

unrequited: 1. not returned or reciprocated
2. not repaid or satisfied.

anhedonia: lack of pleasure or of the capacity to experience it. (adj: anhedonic)

thanks, hank...

last night, i looked over my books and tried to decide which ones to take on vacation... i spotted a book by henri nouwen called a cry for mercy... it is a book of prayers he wrote while in a monastery... i used one of the prayers during a sermon in seminary for my preaching class... since then, it is one of those books that i can pick up, read a prayer or two and gain some insight... sometimes they are just a quick read and sometimes they have more impact than i had bargained for... there is not one for everyday... but i like to find the prayer that is closest to the present date...

there is a prayer for may 13... and here's what it said,

"Dear Lord, I bring before You all the people who experience failure in their search for a creative, affectionate relationship. Many single people feel lonely and unable to sustain a friendship for a long period of time; many married people feel frustrated in their marriage and separate to go different ways; many children cannot speak to their parents; and many parents have become afraid of their children. All around me I see the hunger for love and the inability to experience it in a deep and lasting way.

O Lord, look with favor on us, your people, and impart your love to us - not as an idea or concept, but as a lived experience. We can only love each other because You have loved us first. Let us know that first love so that we can see all human love as a reflection of a greater love, a love without conditions and limitations.

Heal those who feel hurt in their most intimate self, who feel rejected, misunderstood, or even misused. Show them your healing love and help them on the way to forgiveness and reconciliation. Amen"

phantom faucet...

in our bathroom at work, there is a crazy sink... it's been defective since before i started working here... until the last week or so, the handle had to be in just the right position for water to not continue to drip from the spout. it's continued to get worse and the last few days have been my favorite...

i had decided to quit using that particular sink as there are three others and one time i could not get it to stop running...

so the last few times i've used the sink i opted for the middle one... and the weird part is, when i turn on the middle sink, water comes rushing out of it as well as the broken sink... same is true for the far left one... it's the phantom faucet... i think it's just tied to the same water as the other sinks but it's a weird feeling to turn on one faucet and for water to come from 2 spouts...

the story would be so much better as a video...

i wonder if there is a spiritual correlation that i can tie to it... maybe "when we are pouring out our lives, it will cause others to pour out their lives?"... maybe not... how about: "beware ghosts in the bathroom?"... not likely... i'll choose: "be in tune with the Lord and try to be like Him at all times..." seems the best option of the 3...

that's all i've got for today... just for the record, things are good.

a few little pieces of random... without the painful side effects...

you can blame me for the rain... for the last 3 days i've been listening to one of my favorite cd's which just happens to be called, "songs for a rainy day..." so it's probably my fault... i'm just so into songs about rain right now...

i'm also very into gnomes... i even got a new gnome bag that i carry as a purse... it says "have a nice day" - i mean it... i really hope you do...

i went to driving school the other night... it keeps a ticket off my record... so i'm down with that... a lady was explaining a scenario and said (exact quote)... i like merging well... "i think it's important to merge well..." i have to say that i agree with her... i love an appropriate merge...

i went to my first lacrosse game tonight... a few of my girls were playing on opposite teams... i don't know much about lacrosse, but maybe that will change over the next few weeks... i'm pretty amazed at their skill...

i've gone mad for march madness... i love this time of year... i love checking the scores and my brackets... i don't ever really have a great bracket... but i still love it... maybe it's the chance to be competitive without actually playing anything...

i don't know why i haven't gone home yet... it's way past time... so i guess that means i'm out!!!

only God can judge you, ruth... back off joshua

i don't know why i have always been a big fan of going out for lunch... maybe it's because i like the break in the monotony of a day... my a.d.d. has never been a big fan of routine...

there's nothing better than an outdoor lunch in the spring or fall. sun shining with a blend of gentle breeze... the contrast between the sun beating down on a leg or an arm, almost burning, mixed with a wind that will chill to the bone... there's nothing like it...

it seems that lately people have felt the need to engage in small talk with me. complete strangers feel compelled to comment on the weather or the length of the waiting line or the food selection. it happens to me a lot when i'm at lunch alone. i always thought i was more unapproachable than that (not something i'm proud of, just something i thought about myself)... maybe they think i'm lonely... maybe they lead lives of quiet desperation, too... maybe they're just nice people... today i liked her accent and were i not so set on being a loner, we might have become friends... maybe not...

i am nervous about the upcoming months... new challenges can be exciting and they can also be terrifying... today, for me, it's as blended as the sun and wind during lunch... i've never been so excited to potentially do what has brought me more joy than anything i've done since i moved to nashville, even if it's only 5 hours a week. i've decided that i will put all of the effort i can muster into it, even though all of that mustered effort should be applied toward the other 35. it's just new (sort of) and exciting (really).

at the same exact time, i'm terrified of failure and disappointing those who expect so much of me. what if they have taken a chance on me and i fall completely short of their expectations like i have done so many times before with prior expectation holders.

i've been thinking a lot about Ruth since Sunday... how, when she pledged her devotion to Naomi and Naomi's God (Yahweh), she was promised nothing in return. there was no hope or promise for anything other than a rough life of picking up other's leftovers and depending on the mercy of the community...

i've never been one to want to rely on the mercy of someone else and i hate leftovers...

ruth diligently served her dead-husband's-mother with unwaivering obedience and faith. even to do what seemed ridiculous...

because of God's faithfulness and Ruth's obedience, Ruth was given more than enough... even if it was only in the amount of leftovers she could gather... He didn't stop there... she was given more than i'm sure she could have ever imagined...

i struggle sometimes with feeling like i don't have what i want. we know the end of ruth's story... with Ruth, not only an honorable husband was provided, but a family and a place in the direct lineage of Jesus Christ.

how willing am i to struggle, knowing i am not promised anything and to remain faithful and obedient, regardless of the outcome? and not for the outcome... simply because God was faithful first, because He loved me first, because of His goodness, His mercy?

God, teach me to love leftovers and to not be "too good" in my heart to diligently serve others by picking them up... help me to hear what people are saying to me, even in the small talk... lead me to love others the way You love... sacrificially and unconditionally...